Lupus – I Hate You More Than You Hate Me

Lupus flare. I actually think we should be able to label it as “my body is fighting itself right now” but no…someone had to put a term to encompass the living hell we go through.
Lupus keeps trying to win. I keep fighting. But it’s exhausting. I am fighting my own body! Sounds insane but true.
Lupus affects every aspect of my body and life. I have to plan around whether my body is deciding to attack and I have to attack back. I have to break plans if my body is refusing to let me win at that moment. Scheduling doctor appointments, taking medication, getting enough rest, and planning my each and every move and weighing how it’s going to affect me. That’s my life with lupus. Unpredictable yet always needing a plan.
My fellow warriors, I’m proud of you. I’m proud of the fight you put up every day of your life. I’m proud you didn’t give up. With you, lupus awareness is possible. #raiseawareness #fightforacure #lupuswarrior #fightlikeagirl #fighter

My Warriors

This is for all of my warriors and Butterflies out there fighting each day. We need to stick by each other and bring awareness to lupus, fibro, me, and all the other invisible conditions. I fight like a girl…I fight for a cure…how about you?

What Happens When I Feel Wronged

Normally, I am a content person. I am loving and caring. I am always there for people. I tend to give people too many chances but I try to give the benefit of the doubt. Basically, it takes a lot for me to be hurt.
I don’t recover well when I’ve been hurt. I shut down. The reason being is I put trust in people and when I do that, it’s not easy. I don’t trust easy and I don’t forgive easy. Is that wrong?
I have been hurt by some people recently and it’s a harsh reality figuring out you were an after thought. Maybe I put too much thought into people and how they feel. I feel this way with so many people in my life.
Well, that has to end because I end up hurt and disappointed. I don’t need to feel this way. I have enough to worry about in my life than feeling less than.
Well, all I know is I can only depend on myself. No one else is going to do it!

Pondering

As I sit here, not being able to leave because I’m snowed in, I’m thinking about a lot of things. Why do I put so much effort and thought into things when I don’t get the same in return?
I ended up not leaving my house for almost 3 days. While everyone else is doing their thing…I’m alone and it doesn’t even matter.
I’ve realized that the only person who I can count on is me and sometimes that’s hard to do! 
I have a tendency to think about others more than myself which poses a problem if it’s not the same in return. I just feel hurt, angry and frustrated. I haven’t been able to sleep because of it.
I’ll pick myself up. I’m not worried about it. But I’m getting a bit of cabin fever!

The Invisible Demon

Depression is invisible yet so real and prevalent. No one can see it but we who suffer from it can most definitely feel it.

It’s a constant shadow following me around. It’s waiting for the perfect entrance to reap havoc in my life. That monster called depression finds its way in at the most inopportune times. It’s like “hey, you have a huge paper due so I’m going to help you by telling you that you can do it another time and go to sleep” and end up sleeping days away. On top of it, affects every relationship in my life.

Depression is the devil. It tells me things I shouldn’t believe, but I have a hard time refuting it. And it continues to pick at me. At all times during the day. And I fight everyday both mentally and physically. It’s an ongoing battle that exists everyday.
I think about what I want to do. Homework, research, read, go shopping, etc and I physically can’t bring myself to do it. It’s like an elephant is sitting on me and suffocating me.

It’s invisible but a fight I battle each and every day. It’s a monster and a demon that invisibly sucks the life out of me. It’s very real and I hope to spread awareness about mental health and the experiences people go through just to get through a day.

Master Manipulator

So, I left my abuser a long time ago. I have been with my amazing boyfriend for 3 months and happier than ever. I hadn’t heard anything from my abuser in over 5 months. That was until today.
Randomly, my therapist calls me and tells me my ex dropped off a gift at her office. I don’t know why or anything…all I know is I haven’t spoken to him in a long time and I intend on keeping it that way.
So, my therapist opens it and it’s electric hand warmers. I have lupus and fibromyalgia so it affects my hands and they’re always cold. The reasoning behind the electronic hand warmers.
My point here is that abusers will find a way back in or attempt to. Thankfully, I went through and still going through intensive therapy from the trauma and hell I went through.
Find it in yourself to be strong and know that NO ONE deserves to be abused in any way, shape or form. It’s degrading to both men and women. It’s not okay. These types of people are masters at manipulation. They will use play in the book to get in contact. Maybe before I was enlightened I would’ve fallen for it, but I’m wiser and stronger than I’ve ever been.
It is through the horrifying experience of near death that brought me to where I am today. I have a relationship with someone who is the light of my life. The light when I feel everything is dark. My hero and best friend. There is such thing as normalcy and happiness which is something I never experienced before.
I am grateful to be alive despite my health issues and past experiences. Always know you deserve happiness. You deserve a life of joy. It is possible. I’ve witnessed it and I am living it.

5 Things You Can Do To Make Yourself Miserable For Having Fibro

Of course it’s a shock at first. The pain, exhaustion, fatigue, and unpredictability of fibromyalgia is frustrating as it is. So here’s the thing…if you are suffering already, why make yourself suffer more? But we do!
1. Feel sorry for yourself everyday. Each day, wake up and tell yourself how bad the day is going to be. Of course there’s time to grieve, but don’t stay there too long.
2. Pretend it doesn’t exist. That will make you feel good both physically and mentally!
3. Constantly complain because that will make you feel better. And everyone else who is around you.
4. Isolate. It’s time to accept help from others. I know, sounds impossible right?
5. Keep searching for a reason. Let me know what you come up with.

Chronic Illness – My Daily Life

So many times people say “but you don’t look sick”. I think that is the most absurd statement. I mean, does anyone want to look sick? I’m glad I don’t, but it seems kind of rude.
Here are the things I go through on a daily basis:
1. I have to wake up at least an hour earlier to take my medication and start moving.
2. It used to take me 20 minutes to get dressed and ready to go and now it takes 45 minutes to an hour.
3. Constantly remind myself it’ll be okay.
4. Is the weather cold? Hot? What do I have to wear in an attempt to be comfortable? Do I need to wear layers? Every day is different.
5. The extent of my pain determines the amount of walking around I do. Can I walk and get lunch or should I bring it? I love walking but when I’m in excruciating pain, I’m lucky if I make it to work.
By the time all of this, I’m not even at work yet. Chronic pain is like being in 10 rounds of a boxing match and lost. Actually, intensify that by 50. Every physical movement I take hurts more and more. And there’s nothing to do for it. Even though this is the beginning of what I go through daily, I am still happy. And I think if people would try to understand that not all conditions or illnesses are visible, they wouldn’t say “but you don’t look sick”.
Live each day to the fullest because you never know what is going to happen tomorrow!

My Lifeline

I have been through quite a lot in terms of relationships. I have been beaten physically, mentally, and emotionally by many exes and by my family.
I was diagnosed with lupus and fibromyalgia in less than a year which is enough in and of itself!
I had given up. I saw no point in relationships. I saw no point in anything. I had lost all hope and at that point, my lifeline came into my life.
My boyfriend has been the most loving, caring and supportive person to me while I have been struggling with depression and everything else. He has given me strength and courage. He has helped me get my fight back to live. And not just exist.
I believe we have an emotional bottom we hit and there’s no way to go but up.
Don’t give up. Don’t just exist. Live to your full potential. Live for yourself and no one else. At the end of the day, it’s you that has to live with yourself. So live!

5 Differences Between Dating In Your Early 20’s Vs. Your Late 20’s

This is absolutely true! Sometimes I miss being young!